Why is it always that when things start going well and I feel I am finding my groove I am suddenly hit with these curve balls out of nowhere that truly test every bit of my strength to preserve my health? I know this is life and its just what happens. But that doesn't mean I will ever get used to it or be completely shock when the bad news starts coming out of nowhere. I am trying to stay positive and remember that this horrible news also came with a silver lining. Actually, a few silver linings if we really get deep. Why couldn't the good come without the bad, though? The bad isn't making me appreciate the good any more right now. It's just letting me accept the good while my heart absolutely aches from the bad.
It's not the end of the world, and I know that. Life has to go on and it already has, whether I wanted it to or not. But right now it just hurts. I think people are mostly accepting of me needing time to cope. I just wish they let me do it in my own way. We all cope differently and I still struggle to find the best way for myself. Its hard when talking things out and showing emotion is so frowned upon and just not what you do within your family. My feelings are real and justified and I just wish it was considered okay to be upset on my own terms.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
week one on the job
The first full, 5 day week of my new job is officially in the books as a success! I was nervous - its been a while since I have consistently worked 40 hours a week and with children none the less, it is exhausting. But I love the job so much, I truly don't mind my new routine of coming home, grabbing dinner and curling up in bed shortly after. It works for me and my homebody self.
As much as this week flew by, I'm really glad I did start before the new year. Not only does that mean I am awarded an extra day of PTO, but the weeks were shorter, the number of children was down and the need for specific curriculum was not there at all. I was able to get the feel for the demands of my job, the expectations from management, and of course start to learn the kids. Smaller numbers made that a lot easier - I know I would have felt overwhelmed walking in to see 20 children and not knowing their names or typical behaviors. I am someone who is big into names and feel it is one of the easiest but useful tools I can utilize to actually be helpful to my co-workers. Coming into a brand new job January 5 and having to work the full 5 day week, I know I would have been overwhelmed.
Right now I am a float, meaning I am basically the assistant to all of the classrooms in the age group I am assigned. For me, its preschool. Of all my past years of working with children, the majority of my experience is with preschoolers, so I was so happy to be placed in that program. I cover lunch breaks and planning periods, and also help out as an extra hand when necessary. This means that instead of just learning the children in one classroom, I have to learn the children in multiple classrooms. While I have spent time in a dozen or so classrooms by now, there are only 3 or 4 classrooms of children who I will be with consistently throughout the year, so my focus has been learning the names of those 70 or so children.
Because I am a float, however, I do need to lend a hand to other programs when necessary. This week I have spent time with toddler and / or infants almost every day. And while I love babies and playing with them, spending time in those rooms just helps me know my calling is preschool, not babies. I don't have the confidence in myself with that age group and certainly have a lot of learning to do when in those rooms. I know I need the exposure with those kids if I will ever gain the level of comfort I do with the older ones, but it will for sure be a stressful experience for me until I get there.
The children I did get the chance to work with during the holiday craze I am starting to feel a real connection to - not all of them, but enough - and they are part of what gets me excited to go into work each and every day.
I have so many opportunities to grow and build a career in the position I am at right now. I can continue in the teaching direction and move towards the public schools, a private school, or stay in the daycare world and work my way up as a program manager and eventually director. After I become a lead teacher, of course. There are so many opportunities awaiting me, and while I know there are many more hurdles and stresses to be had (believe me, there have already been plenty) I can't help but feel thrilled with the fact I feel as though I have finally found my calling. One which I always tip toed around and didn't want to fall into. But is entirely too perfect for me :)
As much as this week flew by, I'm really glad I did start before the new year. Not only does that mean I am awarded an extra day of PTO, but the weeks were shorter, the number of children was down and the need for specific curriculum was not there at all. I was able to get the feel for the demands of my job, the expectations from management, and of course start to learn the kids. Smaller numbers made that a lot easier - I know I would have felt overwhelmed walking in to see 20 children and not knowing their names or typical behaviors. I am someone who is big into names and feel it is one of the easiest but useful tools I can utilize to actually be helpful to my co-workers. Coming into a brand new job January 5 and having to work the full 5 day week, I know I would have been overwhelmed.
Right now I am a float, meaning I am basically the assistant to all of the classrooms in the age group I am assigned. For me, its preschool. Of all my past years of working with children, the majority of my experience is with preschoolers, so I was so happy to be placed in that program. I cover lunch breaks and planning periods, and also help out as an extra hand when necessary. This means that instead of just learning the children in one classroom, I have to learn the children in multiple classrooms. While I have spent time in a dozen or so classrooms by now, there are only 3 or 4 classrooms of children who I will be with consistently throughout the year, so my focus has been learning the names of those 70 or so children.
Because I am a float, however, I do need to lend a hand to other programs when necessary. This week I have spent time with toddler and / or infants almost every day. And while I love babies and playing with them, spending time in those rooms just helps me know my calling is preschool, not babies. I don't have the confidence in myself with that age group and certainly have a lot of learning to do when in those rooms. I know I need the exposure with those kids if I will ever gain the level of comfort I do with the older ones, but it will for sure be a stressful experience for me until I get there.
The children I did get the chance to work with during the holiday craze I am starting to feel a real connection to - not all of them, but enough - and they are part of what gets me excited to go into work each and every day.
I have so many opportunities to grow and build a career in the position I am at right now. I can continue in the teaching direction and move towards the public schools, a private school, or stay in the daycare world and work my way up as a program manager and eventually director. After I become a lead teacher, of course. There are so many opportunities awaiting me, and while I know there are many more hurdles and stresses to be had (believe me, there have already been plenty) I can't help but feel thrilled with the fact I feel as though I have finally found my calling. One which I always tip toed around and didn't want to fall into. But is entirely too perfect for me :)
Saturday, January 10, 2015
2014: a year of learning + growing
I don't think I have it in me to relive 2014 in its entirely, even enough to just write about it. Looking back now, it feels like it just flew and nothing much happened. But I know that couldn't be farther from the truth. This past year was one of the more emotionally trying years I have experienced in awhile and I can honestly say I am glad that its over. At the same time though, this year changed me as a person in more ways than one. All for the better, even if it didn't feel that way at the time. And while there's a lot I want to leave in the past to never, ever revisit, there is so much I am proud of.
I took risks. I'm not a risk taker. I don't jump outside of my comfort zone and let it consume me to an unhealthy degree. But, I let go of the things and people I thought I could never live without and came out even stronger than before. I took huge steps outside of my comfort zone to talk to people I was so afraid to. Why? They're just people. And while neither of those situations turned out as I dreamed they may, they were some of my biggest learning experiences yet. I was forced to deal with a lot of emotion I didn't know I had and have a much better understanding of who I am as a person and what I want out of my life.
I learned that infatuation is sometimes just that - infatuation. Nothing more, but nothing less. I think it's important to acknowledge those feelings and that they are real but also to realize that sometimes, that's just as far as things are going to go. It's a hard lesson to learn. Especially when you realize you are kind of the one who set yourself up for it. But looking back now, those infatuations leading to absolutely nowhere were the best thing that could have happened to me. I was forced to look at myself, the person I was being and the person I actually wanted to be. I was so ready to give up things that I didn't even realize were important to me and settle for a life that for me, would ultimately be fulfilling.
I was forced to think, really think, about the life I wanted for myself. I'm at the age now where I need to decide how I want to be defined for the rest of my life. How I want others to view me and most importantly, how I view myself. I was faced with the reality of me now having already picked a life path for myself and while I had been okay with that in the past, I no longer was. I felt uneasy and uncertain and absolutely hated it. I wanted to find myself and build the dream life for myself, and had failed to find it. Everything I felt I was "meant to do" ended up making me so unhappy once the initial honeymoon phase of simply being new wore off.
I learned that despite how many times you may have been burned, not to hesitate to reach out to someone out of the blue. It's not always about what you know, its about who you know. And knowing and maintaining relationships with the right people has always helped me get to where I want and need to be. Reaching out to someone from the past on a whim and asking a million questions isn't just what led me to working the job I have now, it is what convinced me I have known all along exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I wasn't ready to commit. I needed to experience life more. I needed to experience the heartache and the struggle of not knowing. And of course, I needed to get burned and and led on that other "dream jobs" would eventually be mine, to really appreciate nailing down one that *was* mine.
I started not knowing what I wanted and figured, I would just be another average person, settling for a job I wasn't passionate about but was good at, and made decent money. Everything I applied to and those I did interview for, I felt as though I was settling. I knew even before I got to these interviews these jobs weren't me. Sure, I could pull it off, loved dressing up and could pull it off. I put my best foot forward and made good impressions, but I didn't feel like the whole me. There was something missing and I didn't know what it was.
I was left in the Fall really questioning my life - who I was and who I wanted to be. Relationships I saw ending picture perfect and sacrifices I saw myself making to let those relationships run course has failed and I was forced to look at myself and the life I wanted for myself. I looked back those compromises I was ready to make and reminding myself why I never wanted to let myself become that girl. I was forced to think long and hard about the life I was living versus the life I wanted to have and they simply didn't match up. I was forced to stop avoiding the thing I knew I loved but was afraid to commit to because I simply wasn't ready. It doesn't pay well and often requires long, exhausting hours. But is far more rewarding than any other job I could see myself holding.
I found a career. And not the one I set up job alerts for, figuring I could settle for a desk job with fair pay for the rest of my life. One that is nothing I pictured for myself and everything I pictured for myself, all at once. One that is far more exhausting with much less pay, but with all the fulfillment you could possibly ask for from a job. It wasn't something that I put a lot of thought into, it was something that just felt right and so I pounced before I could think of reasons not to. And even though it is still early on, I am already looking forward to all of the opportunities that can come my way if I follow this passion of mine
I'm not perfect as 2014 was certainly far from perfect. At many points throughout the year, most points actually, I felt as though the year was a failure. My life was a failure. I was simply going through the motions, hoping for it all to end soon. It wasn't a life for anyone to live, and certainly was not fulfilling to me. But all of the hard times suddenly felt worth it by the end. Because if I didn't deal with all of those hardships, some more difficult than others, I never would have cornered myself into the position I was in where I had to finally make a choice in the direction I wanted to take. And right now, I couldn't be happier.
2014 was my year of learning and growing in some of the most difficult ways I could have ever imagined. I know 2015 won't be a cakewalk and that I have many hard roads ahead of me still, but I finally have direction. I know that all of the hard work is serving a purpose, and I had rid myself of all that I can that will weigh me down.
For once in my life, I can say that the rest of my life is ahead of me, and I don't hate it. I'm excited to tackle it all, the good the bad.
I took risks. I'm not a risk taker. I don't jump outside of my comfort zone and let it consume me to an unhealthy degree. But, I let go of the things and people I thought I could never live without and came out even stronger than before. I took huge steps outside of my comfort zone to talk to people I was so afraid to. Why? They're just people. And while neither of those situations turned out as I dreamed they may, they were some of my biggest learning experiences yet. I was forced to deal with a lot of emotion I didn't know I had and have a much better understanding of who I am as a person and what I want out of my life.
I learned that infatuation is sometimes just that - infatuation. Nothing more, but nothing less. I think it's important to acknowledge those feelings and that they are real but also to realize that sometimes, that's just as far as things are going to go. It's a hard lesson to learn. Especially when you realize you are kind of the one who set yourself up for it. But looking back now, those infatuations leading to absolutely nowhere were the best thing that could have happened to me. I was forced to look at myself, the person I was being and the person I actually wanted to be. I was so ready to give up things that I didn't even realize were important to me and settle for a life that for me, would ultimately be fulfilling.
I was forced to think, really think, about the life I wanted for myself. I'm at the age now where I need to decide how I want to be defined for the rest of my life. How I want others to view me and most importantly, how I view myself. I was faced with the reality of me now having already picked a life path for myself and while I had been okay with that in the past, I no longer was. I felt uneasy and uncertain and absolutely hated it. I wanted to find myself and build the dream life for myself, and had failed to find it. Everything I felt I was "meant to do" ended up making me so unhappy once the initial honeymoon phase of simply being new wore off.
I learned that despite how many times you may have been burned, not to hesitate to reach out to someone out of the blue. It's not always about what you know, its about who you know. And knowing and maintaining relationships with the right people has always helped me get to where I want and need to be. Reaching out to someone from the past on a whim and asking a million questions isn't just what led me to working the job I have now, it is what convinced me I have known all along exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I wasn't ready to commit. I needed to experience life more. I needed to experience the heartache and the struggle of not knowing. And of course, I needed to get burned and and led on that other "dream jobs" would eventually be mine, to really appreciate nailing down one that *was* mine.
I started not knowing what I wanted and figured, I would just be another average person, settling for a job I wasn't passionate about but was good at, and made decent money. Everything I applied to and those I did interview for, I felt as though I was settling. I knew even before I got to these interviews these jobs weren't me. Sure, I could pull it off, loved dressing up and could pull it off. I put my best foot forward and made good impressions, but I didn't feel like the whole me. There was something missing and I didn't know what it was.
I was left in the Fall really questioning my life - who I was and who I wanted to be. Relationships I saw ending picture perfect and sacrifices I saw myself making to let those relationships run course has failed and I was forced to look at myself and the life I wanted for myself. I looked back those compromises I was ready to make and reminding myself why I never wanted to let myself become that girl. I was forced to think long and hard about the life I was living versus the life I wanted to have and they simply didn't match up. I was forced to stop avoiding the thing I knew I loved but was afraid to commit to because I simply wasn't ready. It doesn't pay well and often requires long, exhausting hours. But is far more rewarding than any other job I could see myself holding.
I found a career. And not the one I set up job alerts for, figuring I could settle for a desk job with fair pay for the rest of my life. One that is nothing I pictured for myself and everything I pictured for myself, all at once. One that is far more exhausting with much less pay, but with all the fulfillment you could possibly ask for from a job. It wasn't something that I put a lot of thought into, it was something that just felt right and so I pounced before I could think of reasons not to. And even though it is still early on, I am already looking forward to all of the opportunities that can come my way if I follow this passion of mine
I'm not perfect as 2014 was certainly far from perfect. At many points throughout the year, most points actually, I felt as though the year was a failure. My life was a failure. I was simply going through the motions, hoping for it all to end soon. It wasn't a life for anyone to live, and certainly was not fulfilling to me. But all of the hard times suddenly felt worth it by the end. Because if I didn't deal with all of those hardships, some more difficult than others, I never would have cornered myself into the position I was in where I had to finally make a choice in the direction I wanted to take. And right now, I couldn't be happier.
2014 was my year of learning and growing in some of the most difficult ways I could have ever imagined. I know 2015 won't be a cakewalk and that I have many hard roads ahead of me still, but I finally have direction. I know that all of the hard work is serving a purpose, and I had rid myself of all that I can that will weigh me down.
For once in my life, I can say that the rest of my life is ahead of me, and I don't hate it. I'm excited to tackle it all, the good the bad.
Monday, December 15, 2014
the biggest new beginning
2014 has been a roller coaster for me. the past few years have been, to be honest, but this past year really stands out. it totally flew by and I don't know how, because it felt like it was never going to end. the last half of the year, especially, really tested who I am as a person, who I want to be and what I want out of my life.
tomorrow begins a new chapter. not a new life. but I vow to make the very best of it. I have the opportunity to live a life I never thought was possible. here's to making the very best of it and embracing every moment. even when I am exhausted, I have to remember this is everything I want and more at this point in my life.
tomorrow begins a new chapter. not a new life. but I vow to make the very best of it. I have the opportunity to live a life I never thought was possible. here's to making the very best of it and embracing every moment. even when I am exhausted, I have to remember this is everything I want and more at this point in my life.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
love my flaws, because I do
I’m not perfect.
I have deep rooted emotional issues I am constantly working on, and always will be. There are things I am still trying to get over, and others I have accepted will always be my baggage. They effect every single aspect of my life in some way. But I’ve come to learn and love, they are one of the biggest parts of me. They are why I love and nurture the way that I do, the reasons why I give peoples more chances than they ever deserved and the reason why I always try and see the good in people (to a fault) as we never know what trauma has shaped who they are today.
Despite trying so hard not to, I care way too much what people think about me. I don’t want to come of as clingy or dramatic, but I also refuse to hold back. I spent too much of my life being forced to hold back what I was feeling when I was the most upset and to wear what everyone else was just so I could blend in and not have unwanted attention on myself. I like a lot of the same things as everybody else. But I also love a lot of different things. Things that people find me weird for. I’m not going to hide it. Even if I show different sides of my personality to different people, its all me.
I get overly excited about the things and people I love the most. Some people say I come on too strong, but its because I love hard. So hard and don’t know any other way. This is how I am and despite trying to change and care less, I can’t. If I love you, I love you with every part of me. I worry about you being okay and making better or easier anything I can to help you. Because that’s what I do.
I’ve spent my entire life doing things because I was told to. Because other people wanted me to and because it was just what I was supposed to do. I lost the little part of myself I did know. I questioned everything about myself. Who I really was deep down, what I wanted to be, what I believed in, what I wanted from life. I tried different things, hoping that would help. And it did. It has.
I’m not the person I thought I would be and at the same time, I’m exactly the person I thought I would be. I’m just learning to do things my way. I’m learning how to embrace myself. How to love myself. How to use what can be considered flaws to my advantage.
Their my flaws, but they are what make me, me.
Let me in and maybe I’ll come off as too clingy or obsessed. Maybe I’ll come off as too much drama because of things far out of my own control. But you never know until you try.
Everyone has their faults, and you do too. No one is perfect in reality. But when someone thinks YOU are perfect, they accept those faults as what makes you that person they love.
What you consider your downfall, I could find your most attractive quality. Just like I hope someone sees me in that light.
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