I don't think I have it in me to relive 2014 in its entirely, even enough to just write about it. Looking back now, it feels like it just flew and nothing much happened. But I know that couldn't be farther from the truth. This past year was one of the more emotionally trying years I have experienced in awhile and I can honestly say I am glad that its over. At the same time though, this year changed me as a person in more ways than one. All for the better, even if it didn't feel that way at the time. And while there's a lot I want to leave in the past to never, ever revisit, there is so much I am proud of.
I took risks. I'm not a risk taker. I don't jump outside of my comfort zone and let it consume me to an unhealthy degree. But, I let go of the things and people I thought I could never live without and came out even stronger than before. I took huge steps outside of my comfort zone to talk to people I was so afraid to. Why? They're just people. And while neither of those situations turned out as I dreamed they may, they were some of my biggest learning experiences yet. I was forced to deal with a lot of emotion I didn't know I had and have a much better understanding of who I am as a person and what I want out of my life.
I learned that infatuation is sometimes just that - infatuation. Nothing more, but nothing less. I think it's important to acknowledge those feelings and that they are real but also to realize that sometimes, that's just as far as things are going to go. It's a hard lesson to learn. Especially when you realize you are kind of the one who set yourself up for it. But looking back now, those infatuations leading to absolutely nowhere were the best thing that could have happened to me. I was forced to look at myself, the person I was being and the person I actually wanted to be. I was so ready to give up things that I didn't even realize were important to me and settle for a life that for me, would ultimately be fulfilling.
I was forced to think, really think, about the life I wanted for myself. I'm at the age now where I need to decide how I want to be defined for the rest of my life. How I want others to view me and most importantly, how I view myself. I was faced with the reality of me now having already picked a life path for myself and while I had been okay with that in the past, I no longer was. I felt uneasy and uncertain and absolutely hated it. I wanted to find myself and build the dream life for myself, and had failed to find it. Everything I felt I was "meant to do" ended up making me so unhappy once the initial honeymoon phase of simply being new wore off.
I learned that despite how many times you may have been burned, not to hesitate to reach out to someone out of the blue. It's not always about what you know, its about who you know. And knowing and maintaining relationships with the right people has always helped me get to where I want and need to be. Reaching out to someone from the past on a whim and asking a million questions isn't just what led me to working the job I have now, it is what convinced me I have known all along exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I wasn't ready to commit. I needed to experience life more. I needed to experience the heartache and the struggle of not knowing. And of course, I needed to get burned and and led on that other "dream jobs" would eventually be mine, to really appreciate nailing down one that *was* mine.
I started not knowing what I wanted and figured, I would just be another average person, settling for a job I wasn't passionate about but was good at, and made decent money. Everything I applied to and those I did interview for, I felt as though I was settling. I knew even before I got to these interviews these jobs weren't me. Sure, I could pull it off, loved dressing up and could pull it off. I put my best foot forward and made good impressions, but I didn't feel like the whole me. There was something missing and I didn't know what it was.
I was left in the Fall really questioning my life - who I was and who I wanted to be. Relationships I saw ending picture perfect and sacrifices I saw myself making to let those relationships run course has failed and I was forced to look at myself and the life I wanted for myself. I looked back those compromises I was ready to make and reminding myself why I never wanted to let myself become that girl. I was forced to think long and hard about the life I was living versus the life I wanted to have and they simply didn't match up. I was forced to stop avoiding the thing I knew I loved but was afraid to commit to because I simply wasn't ready. It doesn't pay well and often requires long, exhausting hours. But is far more rewarding than any other job I could see myself holding.
I found a career. And not the one I set up job alerts for, figuring I could settle for a desk job with fair pay for the rest of my life. One that is nothing I pictured for myself and everything I pictured for myself, all at once. One that is far more exhausting with much less pay, but with all the fulfillment you could possibly ask for from a job. It wasn't something that I put a lot of thought into, it was something that just felt right and so I pounced before I could think of reasons not to. And even though it is still early on, I am already looking forward to all of the opportunities that can come my way if I follow this passion of mine
I'm not perfect as 2014 was certainly far from perfect. At many points throughout the year, most points actually, I felt as though the year was a failure. My life was a failure. I was simply going through the motions, hoping for it all to end soon. It wasn't a life for anyone to live, and certainly was not fulfilling to me. But all of the hard times suddenly felt worth it by the end. Because if I didn't deal with all of those hardships, some more difficult than others, I never would have cornered myself into the position I was in where I had to finally make a choice in the direction I wanted to take. And right now, I couldn't be happier.
2014 was my year of learning and growing in some of the most difficult ways I could have ever imagined. I know 2015 won't be a cakewalk and that I have many hard roads ahead of me still, but I finally have direction. I know that all of the hard work is serving a purpose, and I had rid myself of all that I can that will weigh me down.
For once in my life, I can say that the rest of my life is ahead of me, and I don't hate it. I'm excited to tackle it all, the good the bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment